Still having fun!

Dear Hailey,

My goodness its been a long time since I have written here. So much has happened and I can't possibly catch up. I will always have memories, but really I want to be able to save this stuff here to give to you later in life.

Well today is a good day. I wish I could have more. Things still don't look good between Mommy and I and I think the worse may actually happen. Hailey, if we get divorced I want you to know IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT!

I love you more than anything and I love days like this one when I can pick you up and take you to the mall just to hang out and you can play and laugh and goof around. We had dinner tonight, we saw a puppet show, saw puppies and even played in the toy store.

When I finally get my own place I promise things will be the same between us. I will be able to have all the toys you like here and we can watch cartoons and have fun like a princess and King should have together. Since Christmas is right around the corner I can't wait to give you your present.

Also I plan on bringing you to see Grandma Korbel, and Uncle Jason, Aunt Shannon and their kids. That should be so much fun! I hope you can stand the long road trip with me.

Here is a picture of you playing. Now that I have a decent camera I can post more later.

 

I love you and I will see you soon. Be a good girl for Mommy and do what she says. 

Love,

Daddy

A long sweet summer

Dear Hailey,

As things are winding down this summer I must once again catch up and write as I promised myself I would. I have been seeing more of you lately and that is good. My fears of Mommy and my fighting causing terrible consequences are relaxing and we seem to be doing better.  Although we are still not living together, at least we no longer are screaming and even have been together with you for hours at a time. I know that you must want things to work out, as do we, but that will take a little more time.

Daddy was very hurt and so was Mommy and each of us have needed time apart to sort out things in our mind and to consult with God to heal our wounds. Daddy has made some mistakes and apologized for them, and Mommy has as well- which is good. We have both made trips to the Temple and want to continue to go until we feel the Savior has fully healed our pains. We also want to meet with the Bishops so we can discuss things that have been said, done, and move forward. Nothing has been decided as of today, neither good nor bad, but it was a good day!

I went with you and Mommy to the doctor's office today and you behaved so well. I hope you get better. I'm afraid that each time you come visit Daddy you get sick right when you get home. I hope that doesn't mean anything. Then we had dinner as a family at Wendy's house and I gave you a bath. That was a nice treat as I haven't been able to do that for a long time.

Recently you stayed with me at the Schoen's house. It might have been the first time Mommy left you in who knows how long. I am glad that she trusted me enough to take care of you. We had so much fun!  On Saturday, we went to the Mall. You must love that because you asked me to do that for you. We rode the train, climbed in the fun area, and you loved it.  Then we had a party. We had BBQ'd and you ate a hamburger and we dipped our feet in the pool. I wish I could have gone swimming with you but the pool wasn't ready for that. Ironically, the day you left it was, but only for one day because the next day a huge tree fell into it and closed it down for the year.

I heard you have been going to the park and water pad with Mommy and Wendy and the other babies; she tells me you have had so much fun. I wish I could have gone, but I am very busy trying to make my business work. It is harder than I thought, but someday everything will work out great!

I have so much to write, but I think that if I can make a habit of updating this on a weekly basis it will be much better. Someday Hailey, when you are old enough to read this you will understand how things have to be for now.

I want you to know that I love you very much and never stop thinking about you. I wish I could be there with you everyday, but I know you are in my heart. I truly hope you feel the same way too. I don't ever want to regret missing some of the most important parts of your life, but I know everything will go according to God's plan.  OK see you soon!

Love,
Daddy

You're worth more than a toe to me.

Dear Hailey,

I am finally able to update this blog after having spent the day with you last week. Today is Thursday and my toe hurts still. If you think that sounds funny it is , but it isn't. The truth is that I broke my toe and all I was trying to do was stop you from hurting yourself!

I picked you up on Sunday morning last week. I had to concede to not getting you on Saturday because Mommy didn't want me to get you at Frank's house while his son was there. That is a long story, but there is no reason to get into those details now. Anyway, I woke up early on Sunday in order to get you before Mommy went to Church. She is going at a different time and it may have been hard to get you when she was done. I am really hoping that I can work out a schedule to have you consistently every other weekend from this time forward.

I know you love to play on the stairs, but the one's at Frank's house are really steep an even I sometimes trip on them. I noticed once when you wanted to go downstairs, I had to catch you because you almost fell. That would have been terrible. The part of the stairs that wind around the corner have two inches on them and they are not intended to walk on. I guess you thought you were brave enough but not quite balanced enough to make them. After catching you I needed to make sure that I didn't let you play on them anymore. I would have been devastated if you fell and Mommy would never forgive me or let me take you for the weekend anymore.

Well as it happens, you ran over to go up the stairs once again after breakfast and I ran after you just grabbing you while at the same time jamming my foot into one of the stairs! Ouch! I normally can handle a toe jam, but this time I actually broke my toe! The little one from the song that had no roast beef, next to the one that went weeeee all the way home.  I tarted limping all day long and the people were teasing me at church. I know it was broke though because I can see black and blue marks on it and after 5 days it still hurts very bad. You are of course more important to me than that little guy.

I can't wait to see you again. Hopefully I can Skype with you this week and then next week I am picking you up on Saturday. Maybe the pool will be fixed and we can go swimming. If Mommy lets you that is.  OK honey I'll run now. I can't keep up with this blog all the time, but I will do my best to write about the important things. I love you!

Love,
Daddy

Happy Birthday

Dear Hailey,

This is my belated post in response to your birthday which was last Thursday. First of all, I can not believe that you are TWO years old. You are such a big girl now!  I think you are growing up too fast, but that is how life moves.

On your birthday I called Mommy and told her I wanted to speak to you. She waited the whole day until I had a meeting and then wanted to do it. At that point I couldn't Skype with you until a little later. That night I was able to get on the phone for a little while, but my computer was acting up and I couldn't stay on too long. I did, however see you and was able to say happy birthday to you. I saw that Mommy gave you a couple of books and other stuff. Apparently you also got cupcakes which I hope were good.

On Friday, the next day I went to Nauvoo with my friends Frank and Amy, along with their daughter Savannah. I wish you were able to come with, but I didn't make arrangements with Mommy ahead of time. Hopefully the next time I go you can come too. It is so much fun there. I saw some missionaries and they told me to write down some stuff regarding the pageant and pray that the Holy Spirit would comfort me. I also went to the Temple and prayed myself that day.

Hailey, I have made many mistakes in my life, but not all that bad. I need to pray more to Heavenly Father for myself, your mother , and for you. I did get a confirmation though that the Church is absolutely true, we do have a living Prophet, and our Savior, Jesus Christ lives! I hope one day I can share this with you and give you my testimony and that you will grow your own.  I also know that despite what is happening in our family, everything will be OK. Your relationship and mine will thrive and as you grow I will definitely be there for you. Mommy and Daddy may no longer be married, but I will ALWAYS love you and be your Daddy.

Hailey, yesterday I picked you up and we went to see Grandma and Grandpa Korbel (Papi and Abuela). I came over and brought you a present. I hope you liked it. Mommy must have thought that I was trying to make her feel bad because she didn't have a lot of money to spend on you, but I had no intention of making her feel that way. I just wanted to give you a present.  We all went to the county fair and you saw the animals. We rode some rides and you ate a corn dog, some corn on the cob, and a chicken burrito.  Papi bought you a Dora the Explorer doll and you loved it.

Hailey, Mommy and Daddy are still fighting and I hope you are not mad at either one of us. We both love you very much and want only what is best for you. I can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Daddy

Sunny Smiles

Dear Hailey,

I got to see your pretty smile twice this week and I can't wait to see it again. We had the chance to Skype on Sunday, and we went to the mall on Monday.  I love being able to see you because you are always so excited and happy and it truly warms my heart.

We went to ride the carousel again and played with the mechanical train. You also jumped on the escalator, but you call them "magic stairs". What is funny is that you always miss the end point but as soon as I put you down you jump by yourself and it is so cute.

Guess what? Mommy and I had a long talk and even though we still are not living together, she agreed to let me take you for a weekend at a time. You will be able to stay with me while I am living here with Frank and Amy, and soon I will have a place of my own. I just need to work really hard before that happens.

Mommy and Daddy agreed to go to see a counselor and try to work out our problems a little more. I think that may be OK for a while because I do not wish to file for divorce quite yet. Although I still believe that may be inevitable, nothing is final yet.

I can't wait until your birthday. Maybe you and I can see Papi and Abuela and spend the day with them. I can't believe that you are going to be two! You are growing up so fast!

Ok I gotta go now. I will see you soon. I love you.

Love,
Daddy

Just a quick update

Dear Hailey,

I was just thinking of you quickly as I was on my computer. I can't wait to see you, but Mommy and I need to come to an agreement as to when I can visit.
We went to a counselor the other day and it wasn't good. Both of us had anger towards the other. That is not something I am proud of. What resulted was that the counselor and we agreed that there may not be much reconciliation between the two of us. That is sad, but what is worse is the fact that you are caught right in the middle.

I need to spend some time thinking about what will be best for you, Hailey, and not what is best for Mommy and Daddy. I promise I will go to the Temple soon and pray to God about what to do. There has just been too much hurt and pain and I can't live with that. I will fight for us, but it will get ugly. I hope you understand that this is not about you. I love you. Mommy loves you and we want to be able to do what is best for you. I will continue working towards that end.

Have a great day and I will see you soon.

Love,
Daddy

Great weekend!

Dear Hailey,

After two very good days having fun with you, I can't wait to see you again. Friday night we went to the mall and had fun on the Carousel. You rode all the rides and had fun at the toy store. I haven't spend three hours at the mall in a long time. You must have loved eating there because you were so helpful grabbing the chair and sliding across the floor. The girl at the restaurant thought you were cute too, and that is because you are.

Mommy didn't say anything about the car seat; I was hoping that she wouldn't. I took it to the police station and even though he tried to give me a hard time, I guess he must have been a daddy too because he understood why I needed it.

On Sunday, I picked you up to come with me to see my friend Jasson and his wife and son Lincoln. They were very happy to see you. Jasson is a very good friend of mine and he has helped me in many ways. We spent the day having dinner and watching you play with the toys. Lincoln accidentally hit you a few times, and though he got in trouble he really didn't mean it. He was sweet and apologized for it and also gave you a big hug.

I could probably continue to write more about our days, but it was just nice to see you more than I have for the last couple of weeks. I love your smile when you see me. You are always so excited. I want to preserve that feeling and every time we get together have you bring it back.

We played fist bump, and this little piggy went to the market. I think you really like that game.

Have a wonderful couple of days, I will see you soon!

Love,
Daddy

Our last visit

Dear Hailey,

I keep telling myself that I am going to keep up with this blog on a daily basis, but I have failed to do that. I will, however write within a short period of time when something significant happens between me and you or between me and Mommy.
Hailey tonight is Sunday and I saw you last on Friday. This is too long to be waiting to see you, but unfortunately it needs to be this way.  Right now, every time I get together with your mom, there is fighting and bad things happening.
I told her that I wanted to see you on Friday and she agreed. When I came by there was a severe thunderstorm approaching and you and her were outside watching the clouds roll through. I remember they were really pretty and just before the rain came the sky was beautiful.
I came a little early that day because I wanted to get you before it actually rained so you wouldn't get wet. I was hoping that we could get to my friend's house safely and once the rain was done it would be fun for both of us. Unfortunately it didn't happen that way.
Your mommy must have been upset at me again and told me that I didn't put the car seat in properly. Honestly, I thought it was fine and knew that you would be completely safe, but Mommy thought otherwise. She began telling me that I didn't have it installed correctly and that I needed to fix it or else I couldn't take you. I know she was just concerned about your safety as any good mother would be, but rather than helping me put the seat in to her standard, she wanted to pick a fight and try to keep me from taking you. She yelled at me and we began to fight a little again.

Hailey, I didn't want to fight, I simply wanted Heather to show me how she liked the car seat installed but she didn't want to show me. Instead she called the police. This was really ridiculous Hailey, and I know that things like this will only traumatize you further. I can not understand how this type of thing can happen. I hate to see this thing happen because you are so precious and in no way deserve to see your parents go through this sort of thing. After the police came, and Mommy was satisfied, we left.

That day, I bought you some diapers and baby wipes because Mommy didn't want to share any with me. In the end, I need to have some of your clothes and toys so when you see me I don't need to buy them. Mommy is so mad at me right now that she will not give me anything.

I don't want to blame her for everything Hailey, because Daddy has made some mistakes too. Mainly my mistakes are calling Mommy bad names when I am mad and for that I am sorry. I never want you to be in a position to hear that kind of thing and this is the real reason I haven't been around so much lately. Believe me, my heart is broken and I think about you every day. I really wish things were different and that I could see you everyday. Hopefully I will soon.

Tomorrow is Monday and I am going to see a lawyer and afterwards I will stop by and we can go for a walk or to the park and play for a while. I hope you never forget that I love you, and someday when you read this you will understand how I really feel. I love you. See you soon.

Love, Daddy

Days gone by!

Dear Hailey,

These days go by so fast I can't keep up with them. I miss seeing you every night and knowing that you are only a room away. The good news is that I am going to pick you up this Friday and spend another day with you!.

I got in touch with a lawyer today and scheduled an appointment to make sure that I can defend myself should Mommy and I get a divorce. I really don't want it to come to that, but I need to be prepared. I want to have either full custody, or at least joint custody in order to see you on a regular basis.

In the meantime, I am still working and learning new things about sales, and networking. Hopefully I can make a lot of money real soon and buy a house for our family or at least for you to play in when  we get together.

I wanted to continue to write everyday, but when I forget I will try to make up for it. I look forward to playing with you tomorrow!

Love,
Daddy

Missed you today!

Dear Hailey,

     I came home today to get the rest of my  things. Truth be told I was surprised to see Mommy and our friend Wendy there. I thought she wasn't going to be there when I was for a while so we could avoid a fight. I had Papa come over to help me get the couches, but Mommy decided it was a good idea to start trouble again. She tried to demand that I pay a couple of bills and I told her that I wasn't going to because they were in her name.I was not trying to hurt Mommy because I have paid everything else that I said I would and these bills were very small, not even totaling $50. I will have paid $700 towards bills when it is all done.
      Mommy got really mad at me and then went to scream at Papa and I thought that was rude. I know she hurt his feelings and I felt bad because I didn't want to put him in the middle of that. Just like I don't want you to be in the middle of that.
      At this time I thought you were in your bed taking a nap, but you weren't even there. As I was getting ready to leave, I asked Mommy where you were and she wouldn't tell me. Its my job to protect you and know you are safe at all times and when she didn't tell me I got very mad.
Hailey, Mommy is going to try to say that I haven't been there for you or don't care about you. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!
     The truth is I have been busy trying to secure a place for myself and making plans for us should Mommy and me get back together. I know that I haven't seen you or heard from you in a couple of days, but from this time forward because of the way your Mother is acting, I am afraid of not being able to see you very much or if we get a divorce having bad things happen to me.I know you were at Court and Janelle's house earlier today at about 630, but haven't heard about you since. I sent Mommy a text message saying that I wanted to know where you are at all times and now I mean it.
     I have been too relaxed and foolish about this whole situation with your Mother and now she is playing hardball. I need to protect myself from legal action and ALWAYS put you first.
I promise things will get better soon.  I hope you understand that is very difficult for me and I'm sure for your mom as well.

Love,
Daddy 

A Great Sunday

Dear Hailey,

I had so much fun yesterday honey! I picked you up from church and you looked so cute in your little dress. I know how you like going to the nursery. It looks like a lot of fun.
I picked you up and we had fun singing in the car, you were laughing hysterically as I said "Baby, Baby, Baby, Woooot" You copied me and started singing it yourself. Then you fell asleep on the way to my friend's house.

When we got there I placed you on the couch; it is really soft. When the kitty started meowing he woke you up and you were happy to see him and started to chase him. I thought it was cute, but you couldn't get him.  We had lunch right after that. Sorry that you didn't like the Spaghetti O's that I made, it must have been your first time. You seemed to like the yogurt and the banana I gave you, and of course the pizza for dinner.

We played outside as you rode on Savannah's toys and played with her dolls. I know you liked the dandelion's because you tried so hard to blow the seeds off of them but couldn't quite get them. We also popped the heads off the other dandelions just like I used to when I was a boy. After a while when it got hot we went inside.

You loved being able to play with the toys. You took apart the Dora puzzle and I put it back together. We played with the blocks and the balls. It was hysterical watching you try to catch them as the air pushed them up towards your face and the slide rolled them down. (I wish I had a picture because my words can't justify this). Then you played with the kitchen set and the plastic lawnmower.

We watched Dora and Elmo on TV as I was dozing off you kept wanting me to wake up. "Wake up Daddy" you pleaded, and it must have worked because I did just that. You chased the cat a little more and it was time to go.

I wish I didn't have to bring you back, but until Mommy and Daddy can get along this is how it is going to have to be. We will have another good day like this again, I promise!

Love, Daddy

A good day

Dear Hailey,

Today was a great day Hailey!  I am sorry I didn't wake up in time to see you, but I needed to get some rest because with all of the stuff going on I haven't been able to sleep. I also had to spend some time fixing the drain at Frank's bathtub drain. That was a dirty project, but it was worth it because now the shower is not gross.

I came home today Hailey, to get some stuff while moving out. Mommy called me and put me on speaker phone as she said I could come. She must be scared that something will happen if we are all there together. I got the stuff and left.

I decided I wanted to cook some sausage with Frank's grill today so that was good. I also finished a couple of projects for work. Hailey my business is looking great. I will make another $550 on Monday, even though only some money will advance, but I am starting to make a living. When Mommy sees this she will understand why I didn't want to have a job. WFG is much more fun.

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Mommy says I can pick you up after church and we will be able to play all day long! Hopefully, I will be able to do that much more often.

I love you.

Love,
Daddy

Strange Days

Dear Hailey,

Sorry I didn't write yesterday Hailey I became very busy and it was too late.

I had a good day in my business, but unfortunately not at home. Hailey I wanted to seek advice from a lawyer, but mommy found the same firm and they couldn't help me. They said it was a conflict of interest. I have made a couple of other calls and hopefully I will be able to find a person who can help me keep you close to me.

I went home today to both pick some stuff up and see you as well. Mommy was mad at me again and wanted to tell me what to do. This is a big reason why our family has problems. Neither Mommy nor Daddy should ever demand the other to do anything, we should only ask nicely and make requests based on how we can help each other, and always with love. I am sorry to say that I am just as guilty as she is, but today didn't have to go down like this.

I found you sleeping today and I told Mommy that I was going to wake you up to spend time with you. When you saw me you were happy. You love me and said you wanted to go with Daddy.
I started to dress you and find some clothes but Mommy was mad that I messed up the drawers. She said some mean words and demanded that I fold the clothes, I am sorry, but this made me a little mad.

Hailey I promise I wasn't mad at you, and I didn't curse or do anything bad to Mommy. When we fight it gets ugly and she took you away from me. She got you dressed and I told her that I wanted to take you (for a little while). When Mommy stormed out the door and brought you to the new neighbor's house, I had no choice but to call the police.

I just wanted to be with you, but Mommy wouldn't have it. I ended up leaving without seeing you or saying goodbye. I'm sorry darling, it wasn't supposed to be like that.

I told Mommy that she isn't going to bring you to California and she is trying to do that. She says bad things about me and I hope not to you. If she does, don't ever believe them. I love you with all my heart.

I said this would get worse before it gets better, but I really wish you weren't caught in the middle. I love you and hope to see you again real soon!

Love,
Daddy

Day 2

Dear Hailey,

As I woke up this morning I was still thinking about you. I wanted to get home to see you, but when I got there you were sleeping. I love watching you sleep because you are so peaceful and so beautiful, but I don't want to wake you. Tonight I stopped by and Mommy had just laid you down again. I know I will see you soon. I want to spend the day together and have so much fun.

I am working a lot now. Mommy may not think so, but I am confident that someday my efforts will pay off and we can be happy. I want to give you everything you could ever want.

Mommy wants to take you away from me and move close to Grandma Cordray and Aunt Michelle. I know you love them but I also love you and I know you love me. I want you to know that I am fighting for you honey and will not let you go away.

Though I am busy and Mommy told you something different, I do love you and am heartbroken right now. Things are ugly in our family, but I promise they will get better and I will see you whenever I want and you want. This is my promise to you.

Have a wonderful night and I will see you soon.

Love,
Daddy

Daddy Loves You Hailey.

Dear Hailey,

Today was the first day that Mommy and I have officially separated. I left, but it was because it was too hard for me to face the fact that things haven't been working out. I need you to know always that I love you very much and NEVER wanted anything like this to happen. I have made mistakes as has your mother and sooner or later we are going to have to face the reality of those mistakes. I am not writing this to say anything bad about your mother because God knows she loves you very much and I know you love her. We are still married as of this post as we have been sealed for time and all eternity. I will never forget that and I pray that you do not either. You are sealed to me and sealed to your mother and whatever happens know this, God put you here because you are a special and wonderful little girl and have truly blessed my life.

Please don't judge me too harshly because I have always wanted to be there for you 100 percent. It is a little premature today to say what comes next, but as I write this blog on a daily basis you will know that I am always thinking of you. Everything I do is because I want you and need you in my life. If your mommy and I work things out it will be a miracle, but I know things are still going to get worse before they get better.

I have tried so hard to figure out where things went wrong, and short of blaming myself, or your mother I just want you to know up front and from day one -This was NOT your fault. I love you and you will always be in my heart.

Love, Daddy