Here are some great pics of you. I need many more memories.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
I love you
Dear Precious Hailey,
I have been a bad father. I know this now and I am sorry. What can I do to change this?
I haven't abused you, haven't been mean to you, never hated you, not ignored you, but I haven't been there enough for you.
Where are you now? You are sleeping. You are with your grandmother, your aunt, your uncle, your cousins. You are not with me. That is fair. You have a family that loves you just as much as I do. You have a mother who would give everything to you- you deserve the same from your father.
It took an unexpected person for me to realize this. I have been a bad father. I have seen you every week. Sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes for a couple of days, but you are ALWAYS my daughter and should be in my life daily. I need to talk to you daily. I need to see you daily. I need you to hear that I love you daily. I need to be your father.
You are on my mind, but not enough. The world has kept you away from me. My actions have kept me away from you. Not because I have been a bad person or have put you in danger but because I am afraid.
I am afraid of the fight. I am afraid of your mother and I not speaking well to each other. I am afraid of exposing you to the negativity that surrounds me. That is the danger to you.
I have everything I need in this world to bless you and protect you, and give you everything you could ever want and I chose to cry and complain and settle for my shortcomings. I have been a bad father.
I see your picture on my phone everyday. I see you on my refrigerator. You are on my computer, and yet you are barely in my life. I don't know enough about you. The times I've had you I have slept. I have put you in front of a computer, I made you watch movies. We spent a little time and I try to spread my love, but it is not enough.
You are the best thing in my life and I have trampled over you. I have treated you as a second rate thing in my life and that is not fair.
You are and need to be the first thing in my life. My friend was right. I am more important to you than I give myself credit for. You deserve to know I am fighting for you. You need to know I love you more than life itself. I have not given you that. I am sorry. Please don't hate me. I will change.
I will be the father you need. I will put you first. I will shower you with my love and my affection until you choke and are without a doubt sure that I am steady in your life. I will ALWAYS be there. From this point on, I promise.
I will be your dad. I love you!
Daddy
I have been a bad father. I know this now and I am sorry. What can I do to change this?
I haven't abused you, haven't been mean to you, never hated you, not ignored you, but I haven't been there enough for you.
Where are you now? You are sleeping. You are with your grandmother, your aunt, your uncle, your cousins. You are not with me. That is fair. You have a family that loves you just as much as I do. You have a mother who would give everything to you- you deserve the same from your father.
It took an unexpected person for me to realize this. I have been a bad father. I have seen you every week. Sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes for a couple of days, but you are ALWAYS my daughter and should be in my life daily. I need to talk to you daily. I need to see you daily. I need you to hear that I love you daily. I need to be your father.
You are on my mind, but not enough. The world has kept you away from me. My actions have kept me away from you. Not because I have been a bad person or have put you in danger but because I am afraid.
I am afraid of the fight. I am afraid of your mother and I not speaking well to each other. I am afraid of exposing you to the negativity that surrounds me. That is the danger to you.
I have everything I need in this world to bless you and protect you, and give you everything you could ever want and I chose to cry and complain and settle for my shortcomings. I have been a bad father.
I see your picture on my phone everyday. I see you on my refrigerator. You are on my computer, and yet you are barely in my life. I don't know enough about you. The times I've had you I have slept. I have put you in front of a computer, I made you watch movies. We spent a little time and I try to spread my love, but it is not enough.
You are the best thing in my life and I have trampled over you. I have treated you as a second rate thing in my life and that is not fair.
You are and need to be the first thing in my life. My friend was right. I am more important to you than I give myself credit for. You deserve to know I am fighting for you. You need to know I love you more than life itself. I have not given you that. I am sorry. Please don't hate me. I will change.
I will be the father you need. I will put you first. I will shower you with my love and my affection until you choke and are without a doubt sure that I am steady in your life. I will ALWAYS be there. From this point on, I promise.
I will be your dad. I love you!
Daddy
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Still having fun!
Dear Hailey,
My goodness its been a long time since I have written here. So much has happened and I can't possibly catch up. I will always have memories, but really I want to be able to save this stuff here to give to you later in life.
Well today is a good day. I wish I could have more. Things still don't look good between Mommy and I and I think the worse may actually happen. Hailey, if we get divorced I want you to know IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT!
I love you more than anything and I love days like this one when I can pick you up and take you to the mall just to hang out and you can play and laugh and goof around. We had dinner tonight, we saw a puppet show, saw puppies and even played in the toy store.
When I finally get my own place I promise things will be the same between us. I will be able to have all the toys you like here and we can watch cartoons and have fun like a princess and King should have together. Since Christmas is right around the corner I can't wait to give you your present.
Also I plan on bringing you to see Grandma Korbel, and Uncle Jason, Aunt Shannon and their kids. That should be so much fun! I hope you can stand the long road trip with me.
Here is a picture of you playing. Now that I have a decent camera I can post more later.
My goodness its been a long time since I have written here. So much has happened and I can't possibly catch up. I will always have memories, but really I want to be able to save this stuff here to give to you later in life.
Well today is a good day. I wish I could have more. Things still don't look good between Mommy and I and I think the worse may actually happen. Hailey, if we get divorced I want you to know IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT!
I love you more than anything and I love days like this one when I can pick you up and take you to the mall just to hang out and you can play and laugh and goof around. We had dinner tonight, we saw a puppet show, saw puppies and even played in the toy store.
When I finally get my own place I promise things will be the same between us. I will be able to have all the toys you like here and we can watch cartoons and have fun like a princess and King should have together. Since Christmas is right around the corner I can't wait to give you your present.
Also I plan on bringing you to see Grandma Korbel, and Uncle Jason, Aunt Shannon and their kids. That should be so much fun! I hope you can stand the long road trip with me.
Here is a picture of you playing. Now that I have a decent camera I can post more later.
I love you and I will see you soon. Be a good girl for Mommy and do what she says.
Love,
Daddy
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
A long sweet summer
Dear Hailey,
As things are winding down this summer I must once again catch up and write as I promised myself I would. I have been seeing more of you lately and that is good. My fears of Mommy and my fighting causing terrible consequences are relaxing and we seem to be doing better. Although we are still not living together, at least we no longer are screaming and even have been together with you for hours at a time. I know that you must want things to work out, as do we, but that will take a little more time.
Daddy was very hurt and so was Mommy and each of us have needed time apart to sort out things in our mind and to consult with God to heal our wounds. Daddy has made some mistakes and apologized for them, and Mommy has as well- which is good. We have both made trips to the Temple and want to continue to go until we feel the Savior has fully healed our pains. We also want to meet with the Bishops so we can discuss things that have been said, done, and move forward. Nothing has been decided as of today, neither good nor bad, but it was a good day!
I went with you and Mommy to the doctor's office today and you behaved so well. I hope you get better. I'm afraid that each time you come visit Daddy you get sick right when you get home. I hope that doesn't mean anything. Then we had dinner as a family at Wendy's house and I gave you a bath. That was a nice treat as I haven't been able to do that for a long time.
Recently you stayed with me at the Schoen's house. It might have been the first time Mommy left you in who knows how long. I am glad that she trusted me enough to take care of you. We had so much fun! On Saturday, we went to the Mall. You must love that because you asked me to do that for you. We rode the train, climbed in the fun area, and you loved it. Then we had a party. We had BBQ'd and you ate a hamburger and we dipped our feet in the pool. I wish I could have gone swimming with you but the pool wasn't ready for that. Ironically, the day you left it was, but only for one day because the next day a huge tree fell into it and closed it down for the year.
I heard you have been going to the park and water pad with Mommy and Wendy and the other babies; she tells me you have had so much fun. I wish I could have gone, but I am very busy trying to make my business work. It is harder than I thought, but someday everything will work out great!
I have so much to write, but I think that if I can make a habit of updating this on a weekly basis it will be much better. Someday Hailey, when you are old enough to read this you will understand how things have to be for now.
I want you to know that I love you very much and never stop thinking about you. I wish I could be there with you everyday, but I know you are in my heart. I truly hope you feel the same way too. I don't ever want to regret missing some of the most important parts of your life, but I know everything will go according to God's plan. OK see you soon!
Love,
Daddy
As things are winding down this summer I must once again catch up and write as I promised myself I would. I have been seeing more of you lately and that is good. My fears of Mommy and my fighting causing terrible consequences are relaxing and we seem to be doing better. Although we are still not living together, at least we no longer are screaming and even have been together with you for hours at a time. I know that you must want things to work out, as do we, but that will take a little more time.
Daddy was very hurt and so was Mommy and each of us have needed time apart to sort out things in our mind and to consult with God to heal our wounds. Daddy has made some mistakes and apologized for them, and Mommy has as well- which is good. We have both made trips to the Temple and want to continue to go until we feel the Savior has fully healed our pains. We also want to meet with the Bishops so we can discuss things that have been said, done, and move forward. Nothing has been decided as of today, neither good nor bad, but it was a good day!
I went with you and Mommy to the doctor's office today and you behaved so well. I hope you get better. I'm afraid that each time you come visit Daddy you get sick right when you get home. I hope that doesn't mean anything. Then we had dinner as a family at Wendy's house and I gave you a bath. That was a nice treat as I haven't been able to do that for a long time.
Recently you stayed with me at the Schoen's house. It might have been the first time Mommy left you in who knows how long. I am glad that she trusted me enough to take care of you. We had so much fun! On Saturday, we went to the Mall. You must love that because you asked me to do that for you. We rode the train, climbed in the fun area, and you loved it. Then we had a party. We had BBQ'd and you ate a hamburger and we dipped our feet in the pool. I wish I could have gone swimming with you but the pool wasn't ready for that. Ironically, the day you left it was, but only for one day because the next day a huge tree fell into it and closed it down for the year.
I heard you have been going to the park and water pad with Mommy and Wendy and the other babies; she tells me you have had so much fun. I wish I could have gone, but I am very busy trying to make my business work. It is harder than I thought, but someday everything will work out great!
I have so much to write, but I think that if I can make a habit of updating this on a weekly basis it will be much better. Someday Hailey, when you are old enough to read this you will understand how things have to be for now.
I want you to know that I love you very much and never stop thinking about you. I wish I could be there with you everyday, but I know you are in my heart. I truly hope you feel the same way too. I don't ever want to regret missing some of the most important parts of your life, but I know everything will go according to God's plan. OK see you soon!
Love,
Daddy
Thursday, August 9, 2012
You're worth more than a toe to me.
Dear Hailey,
I am finally able to update this blog after having spent the day with you last week. Today is Thursday and my toe hurts still. If you think that sounds funny it is , but it isn't. The truth is that I broke my toe and all I was trying to do was stop you from hurting yourself!
I picked you up on Sunday morning last week. I had to concede to not getting you on Saturday because Mommy didn't want me to get you at Frank's house while his son was there. That is a long story, but there is no reason to get into those details now. Anyway, I woke up early on Sunday in order to get you before Mommy went to Church. She is going at a different time and it may have been hard to get you when she was done. I am really hoping that I can work out a schedule to have you consistently every other weekend from this time forward.
I know you love to play on the stairs, but the one's at Frank's house are really steep an even I sometimes trip on them. I noticed once when you wanted to go downstairs, I had to catch you because you almost fell. That would have been terrible. The part of the stairs that wind around the corner have two inches on them and they are not intended to walk on. I guess you thought you were brave enough but not quite balanced enough to make them. After catching you I needed to make sure that I didn't let you play on them anymore. I would have been devastated if you fell and Mommy would never forgive me or let me take you for the weekend anymore.
Well as it happens, you ran over to go up the stairs once again after breakfast and I ran after you just grabbing you while at the same time jamming my foot into one of the stairs! Ouch! I normally can handle a toe jam, but this time I actually broke my toe! The little one from the song that had no roast beef, next to the one that went weeeee all the way home. I tarted limping all day long and the people were teasing me at church. I know it was broke though because I can see black and blue marks on it and after 5 days it still hurts very bad. You are of course more important to me than that little guy.
I can't wait to see you again. Hopefully I can Skype with you this week and then next week I am picking you up on Saturday. Maybe the pool will be fixed and we can go swimming. If Mommy lets you that is. OK honey I'll run now. I can't keep up with this blog all the time, but I will do my best to write about the important things. I love you!
Love,
Daddy
I am finally able to update this blog after having spent the day with you last week. Today is Thursday and my toe hurts still. If you think that sounds funny it is , but it isn't. The truth is that I broke my toe and all I was trying to do was stop you from hurting yourself!
I picked you up on Sunday morning last week. I had to concede to not getting you on Saturday because Mommy didn't want me to get you at Frank's house while his son was there. That is a long story, but there is no reason to get into those details now. Anyway, I woke up early on Sunday in order to get you before Mommy went to Church. She is going at a different time and it may have been hard to get you when she was done. I am really hoping that I can work out a schedule to have you consistently every other weekend from this time forward.
I know you love to play on the stairs, but the one's at Frank's house are really steep an even I sometimes trip on them. I noticed once when you wanted to go downstairs, I had to catch you because you almost fell. That would have been terrible. The part of the stairs that wind around the corner have two inches on them and they are not intended to walk on. I guess you thought you were brave enough but not quite balanced enough to make them. After catching you I needed to make sure that I didn't let you play on them anymore. I would have been devastated if you fell and Mommy would never forgive me or let me take you for the weekend anymore.
Well as it happens, you ran over to go up the stairs once again after breakfast and I ran after you just grabbing you while at the same time jamming my foot into one of the stairs! Ouch! I normally can handle a toe jam, but this time I actually broke my toe! The little one from the song that had no roast beef, next to the one that went weeeee all the way home. I tarted limping all day long and the people were teasing me at church. I know it was broke though because I can see black and blue marks on it and after 5 days it still hurts very bad. You are of course more important to me than that little guy.
I can't wait to see you again. Hopefully I can Skype with you this week and then next week I am picking you up on Saturday. Maybe the pool will be fixed and we can go swimming. If Mommy lets you that is. OK honey I'll run now. I can't keep up with this blog all the time, but I will do my best to write about the important things. I love you!
Love,
Daddy
Monday, July 30, 2012
Happy Birthday
Dear Hailey,
This is my belated post in response to your birthday which was last Thursday. First of all, I can not believe that you are TWO years old. You are such a big girl now! I think you are growing up too fast, but that is how life moves.
On your birthday I called Mommy and told her I wanted to speak to you. She waited the whole day until I had a meeting and then wanted to do it. At that point I couldn't Skype with you until a little later. That night I was able to get on the phone for a little while, but my computer was acting up and I couldn't stay on too long. I did, however see you and was able to say happy birthday to you. I saw that Mommy gave you a couple of books and other stuff. Apparently you also got cupcakes which I hope were good.
On Friday, the next day I went to Nauvoo with my friends Frank and Amy, along with their daughter Savannah. I wish you were able to come with, but I didn't make arrangements with Mommy ahead of time. Hopefully the next time I go you can come too. It is so much fun there. I saw some missionaries and they told me to write down some stuff regarding the pageant and pray that the Holy Spirit would comfort me. I also went to the Temple and prayed myself that day.
Hailey, I have made many mistakes in my life, but not all that bad. I need to pray more to Heavenly Father for myself, your mother , and for you. I did get a confirmation though that the Church is absolutely true, we do have a living Prophet, and our Savior, Jesus Christ lives! I hope one day I can share this with you and give you my testimony and that you will grow your own. I also know that despite what is happening in our family, everything will be OK. Your relationship and mine will thrive and as you grow I will definitely be there for you. Mommy and Daddy may no longer be married, but I will ALWAYS love you and be your Daddy.
Hailey, yesterday I picked you up and we went to see Grandma and Grandpa Korbel (Papi and Abuela). I came over and brought you a present. I hope you liked it. Mommy must have thought that I was trying to make her feel bad because she didn't have a lot of money to spend on you, but I had no intention of making her feel that way. I just wanted to give you a present. We all went to the county fair and you saw the animals. We rode some rides and you ate a corn dog, some corn on the cob, and a chicken burrito. Papi bought you a Dora the Explorer doll and you loved it.
Hailey, Mommy and Daddy are still fighting and I hope you are not mad at either one of us. We both love you very much and want only what is best for you. I can't wait to see you again!
Love,
Daddy
This is my belated post in response to your birthday which was last Thursday. First of all, I can not believe that you are TWO years old. You are such a big girl now! I think you are growing up too fast, but that is how life moves.
On your birthday I called Mommy and told her I wanted to speak to you. She waited the whole day until I had a meeting and then wanted to do it. At that point I couldn't Skype with you until a little later. That night I was able to get on the phone for a little while, but my computer was acting up and I couldn't stay on too long. I did, however see you and was able to say happy birthday to you. I saw that Mommy gave you a couple of books and other stuff. Apparently you also got cupcakes which I hope were good.
On Friday, the next day I went to Nauvoo with my friends Frank and Amy, along with their daughter Savannah. I wish you were able to come with, but I didn't make arrangements with Mommy ahead of time. Hopefully the next time I go you can come too. It is so much fun there. I saw some missionaries and they told me to write down some stuff regarding the pageant and pray that the Holy Spirit would comfort me. I also went to the Temple and prayed myself that day.
Hailey, I have made many mistakes in my life, but not all that bad. I need to pray more to Heavenly Father for myself, your mother , and for you. I did get a confirmation though that the Church is absolutely true, we do have a living Prophet, and our Savior, Jesus Christ lives! I hope one day I can share this with you and give you my testimony and that you will grow your own. I also know that despite what is happening in our family, everything will be OK. Your relationship and mine will thrive and as you grow I will definitely be there for you. Mommy and Daddy may no longer be married, but I will ALWAYS love you and be your Daddy.
Hailey, yesterday I picked you up and we went to see Grandma and Grandpa Korbel (Papi and Abuela). I came over and brought you a present. I hope you liked it. Mommy must have thought that I was trying to make her feel bad because she didn't have a lot of money to spend on you, but I had no intention of making her feel that way. I just wanted to give you a present. We all went to the county fair and you saw the animals. We rode some rides and you ate a corn dog, some corn on the cob, and a chicken burrito. Papi bought you a Dora the Explorer doll and you loved it.
Hailey, Mommy and Daddy are still fighting and I hope you are not mad at either one of us. We both love you very much and want only what is best for you. I can't wait to see you again!
Love,
Daddy
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Sunny Smiles
Dear Hailey,
I got to see your pretty smile twice this week and I can't wait to see it again. We had the chance to Skype on Sunday, and we went to the mall on Monday. I love being able to see you because you are always so excited and happy and it truly warms my heart.
We went to ride the carousel again and played with the mechanical train. You also jumped on the escalator, but you call them "magic stairs". What is funny is that you always miss the end point but as soon as I put you down you jump by yourself and it is so cute.
Guess what? Mommy and I had a long talk and even though we still are not living together, she agreed to let me take you for a weekend at a time. You will be able to stay with me while I am living here with Frank and Amy, and soon I will have a place of my own. I just need to work really hard before that happens.
Mommy and Daddy agreed to go to see a counselor and try to work out our problems a little more. I think that may be OK for a while because I do not wish to file for divorce quite yet. Although I still believe that may be inevitable, nothing is final yet.
I can't wait until your birthday. Maybe you and I can see Papi and Abuela and spend the day with them. I can't believe that you are going to be two! You are growing up so fast!
Ok I gotta go now. I will see you soon. I love you.
Love,
Daddy
I got to see your pretty smile twice this week and I can't wait to see it again. We had the chance to Skype on Sunday, and we went to the mall on Monday. I love being able to see you because you are always so excited and happy and it truly warms my heart.
We went to ride the carousel again and played with the mechanical train. You also jumped on the escalator, but you call them "magic stairs". What is funny is that you always miss the end point but as soon as I put you down you jump by yourself and it is so cute.
Guess what? Mommy and I had a long talk and even though we still are not living together, she agreed to let me take you for a weekend at a time. You will be able to stay with me while I am living here with Frank and Amy, and soon I will have a place of my own. I just need to work really hard before that happens.
Mommy and Daddy agreed to go to see a counselor and try to work out our problems a little more. I think that may be OK for a while because I do not wish to file for divorce quite yet. Although I still believe that may be inevitable, nothing is final yet.
I can't wait until your birthday. Maybe you and I can see Papi and Abuela and spend the day with them. I can't believe that you are going to be two! You are growing up so fast!
Ok I gotta go now. I will see you soon. I love you.
Love,
Daddy
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